She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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