Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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