Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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