I looked at my own cervix.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
