I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
