My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
