I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
