his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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