having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
