If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
