she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
