I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
