Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
