I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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