i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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