If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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