ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
