looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
