I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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