I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
