I'm going to jail i love you
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
