if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
