we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
