Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
