I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
