I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
