The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
