so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
