The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
