it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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