I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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