So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
