I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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