A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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