Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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