My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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