it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
