i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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