her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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