Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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