Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
