i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My ATM looks so different sober.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
