mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
