i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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