If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
