Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
