you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
