Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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