I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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