update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
