she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
