i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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