I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Randomize
