he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
