I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
